FEB 1st, 2017
Yesterday we completed my Hysteroscopy for my Uterine Septum...it was planned for over two months and yet I still can not pronounce it. Please keep in mind I used to be paid for reading words in front of a camera, often big words, sometimes words foreign to my native tongue, but I CAN NOT pronounce HYSTEROSCOPY.
The nurses at my doctors office have a protocol where they have to ask you your "name, birth date and reason for visit", even if they know you well, even if you obsessively email them multiple times a week to check if your symptoms are normal, or how your embryos are developing, or if you can speed up the timeline, or if your blastocysts can feel the cold when they get frozen (I actually asked my mom this, but didn't entertain the docs office with this one). Yes, even if they have noted in big red letters in your file exactly who you are, and what kind of crazy you exhibit, they must ask you these questions. When Nurse Helen followed protocol, I stuttered a little and then like a kindergartener reading her first words aloud to class, got out the "His..." and froze, eventually smiled, and admitted my shortcoming. Thankfully, she's nice and seems to mostly forgive me for my moments of neuroticism. I'd like to blame the pain meds they had given me, but honestly, I'm not sure they'd even kicked in at that point. I just can't say THAT word. It trips me up. But that's the thing with this whole process...There is SO much that you just have to get comfortable with NOT knowing. No matter how much you plan, how much you prepare and read and research, there will still be things that you won't know or things that surprise you. I don't know why this concept scares me so much, but it does. I really don't like feeling stupid, or uninformed and I most definitely worry WAY too much about what other people think...
But experiences like this are good for people like me, and this is maybe (at least in part) why god chose to have me go down this journey first before being handed the blessing of pregnancy and motherhood. It seems like pregnancy and parenting is its own new struggle of not knowing and sometimes pretending to, while other times admitting that you might need a little help. There are so many "shoulds" and "should-nots" and often so much judgement that I see parents face. You've got to be strong and confident, but vulnerable at the same time. While the hysteroscopy / uterine septum repair was pretty scary for me and not fun (I'll do another post with exactly what that entailed), I'm glad I'm learning how to face these little fears, because NOT being the best version of myself when I finally am blessed with a little one...That is scary.